Awkward Lip Balms, or How The Junk Food Industry Wants To Kill You

You know, I've been on the internet since about 1994. I'm no stranger to the oddities that the world wide web brings into our daily lives. But this morning, even I had to take a step back for just a moment with this one:

No folks, this is sadly NOT photoshopped! This is 100% legit. Paula Deen has her own line of lip balms now. The flavors? Key lime (okay), banana cream pie (yum), and......butter.

Yes. BUTTER. As in, you melt and put over your popcorn. BUTTER.

What marketing genius thought this was possibly a good idea!?!??!?! Butter doesn't belong in lip balms as a flavor!! And yet, this couldn't help but start me to thinking... what other weirdass lip balms are undoubtedly out there in the world in existence that we haven't heard about? So, I bring to you my humble collection that I compiled this morning from all corners of the internet. Every single one of these is real; not one photoshop among the bunch. And all of them ARE indeed flavored as exactly whatever they're labeled as. Hold onto your stomachs, we're in for a bumpy ride...

Reminiscent of the 1950's...or of all that time you spent working minimum wage at McDonalds during your teen years.

As if you haven't had your fill of clogging your veins with the real deal, continue the buttered popcorn fest with this! Or if you're on a diet, try using this in lieu of actual popcorn at the movies. ....Actually, don't. You'll just look stupid.

Oh Cinnabon, you evil, evil bastards. As if it weren't enough that one whiff of Cinnabon can derail a diet faster than you can say the name of these sugary confections, but now you can have this on your lips ALL. DAY. LONG.

I can almost guarantee you that this was either designed by a fat chick, or a stoned college kid. Possibly both.

Clearly, anyone who buys Gushers lip balm is a masochist, as even as a kid, these little jewel-shaped harbingers of doom would glue your back molars together so tightly, it's amazing you didn't give yourself an inadvertant root canal trying to open your mouth again.

Or, as they're more commonly called down in Texas, corny-dogs!

 There are no words. Just no freakin' words.

 I swear to god I just dry heaved looking at this.

I, for the life of me, will NEVER understand the current trend of bacon-themed products of all sorts. Especially this one.

Yes...yes. Clearly, it is a good idea to make a lip balm out of a hallucinogenic alcoholic drink from the 1920's...I'm sure this will be real popular with the kids.

There has to come a point when there is simply too much chocolate in your life. I'm pretty sure the day that you resort to this....you've hit that point.

 I take back what I said before. THIS is the point where you've officially got a chocolate problem.

 ...I'm pretty sure I hate people right now.

 Not gonna lie...there's something alluring about the whole thought of wasabi-flavored lip balm. Weird, I know, but I would try it.

  Don't just eat your sugary breakfast cereals anymore. Wear them! (I think I just died inside a little, typing that...)

 

Because Betty Crocker simply wasn't content enough with making the other lip balms of sugary sweet confections....now we've entered the cake market. Not just cakes. Even the cakes you make in the MICROWAVE. WHYYYYY does this exist??

The Pillsbury Doughboy has a diabolical agenda to give you all diabetes. These are your red flags, people. All he's missing is his red arm band and Hitler moustache...

Seeeeeee?? Believe me now?? He's trying to feed you pure frosting! This is just getting sick.

 Yep. The Pillsbury Doughboy wants you to die a sweet, sugary death.

Do I really need to say more?

 Okay, that's just gross.

 Actually, it seems the Hershey's company is *also* in on this fiendish plan.

Mr. Wonka, noooooo!!! You're part of this too?!

 

 KEEBLER! I expected better than this from you!

Somewhere, Jesus is quietly weeping right now.

 

 Well... I can't say that I'm surprised that the Coca Cola company is involved in this, as they've never been afraid of stooping to anything. Oh well, at least I've still got Pepsi Co.!

 

 .....DAMN IT!!! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! Is nothing sacred anymore?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN MEEEEEEE?????