Awkward Lip Balms, or How The Junk Food Industry Wants To Kill You

You know, I've been on the internet since about 1994. I'm no stranger to the oddities that the world wide web brings into our daily lives. But this morning, even I had to take a step back for just a moment with this one:

No folks, this is sadly NOT photoshopped! This is 100% legit. Paula Deen has her own line of lip balms now. The flavors? Key lime (okay), banana cream pie (yum), and......butter.

Yes. BUTTER. As in, you melt and put over your popcorn. BUTTER.

What marketing genius thought this was possibly a good idea!?!??!?! Butter doesn't belong in lip balms as a flavor!! And yet, this couldn't help but start me to thinking... what other weirdass lip balms are undoubtedly out there in the world in existence that we haven't heard about? So, I bring to you my humble collection that I compiled this morning from all corners of the internet. Every single one of these is real; not one photoshop among the bunch. And all of them ARE indeed flavored as exactly whatever they're labeled as. Hold onto your stomachs, we're in for a bumpy ride...

Reminiscent of the 1950's...or of all that time you spent working minimum wage at McDonalds during your teen years.

As if you haven't had your fill of clogging your veins with the real deal, continue the buttered popcorn fest with this! Or if you're on a diet, try using this in lieu of actual popcorn at the movies. ....Actually, don't. You'll just look stupid.

Oh Cinnabon, you evil, evil bastards. As if it weren't enough that one whiff of Cinnabon can derail a diet faster than you can say the name of these sugary confections, but now you can have this on your lips ALL. DAY. LONG.

I can almost guarantee you that this was either designed by a fat chick, or a stoned college kid. Possibly both.

Clearly, anyone who buys Gushers lip balm is a masochist, as even as a kid, these little jewel-shaped harbingers of doom would glue your back molars together so tightly, it's amazing you didn't give yourself an inadvertant root canal trying to open your mouth again.

Or, as they're more commonly called down in Texas, corny-dogs!

 There are no words. Just no freakin' words.

 I swear to god I just dry heaved looking at this.

I, for the life of me, will NEVER understand the current trend of bacon-themed products of all sorts. Especially this one.

Yes...yes. Clearly, it is a good idea to make a lip balm out of a hallucinogenic alcoholic drink from the 1920's...I'm sure this will be real popular with the kids.

There has to come a point when there is simply too much chocolate in your life. I'm pretty sure the day that you resort to this....you've hit that point.

 I take back what I said before. THIS is the point where you've officially got a chocolate problem.

 ...I'm pretty sure I hate people right now.

 Not gonna lie...there's something alluring about the whole thought of wasabi-flavored lip balm. Weird, I know, but I would try it.

  Don't just eat your sugary breakfast cereals anymore. Wear them! (I think I just died inside a little, typing that...)

 

Because Betty Crocker simply wasn't content enough with making the other lip balms of sugary sweet confections....now we've entered the cake market. Not just cakes. Even the cakes you make in the MICROWAVE. WHYYYYY does this exist??

The Pillsbury Doughboy has a diabolical agenda to give you all diabetes. These are your red flags, people. All he's missing is his red arm band and Hitler moustache...

Seeeeeee?? Believe me now?? He's trying to feed you pure frosting! This is just getting sick.

 Yep. The Pillsbury Doughboy wants you to die a sweet, sugary death.

Do I really need to say more?

 Okay, that's just gross.

 Actually, it seems the Hershey's company is *also* in on this fiendish plan.

Mr. Wonka, noooooo!!! You're part of this too?!

 

 KEEBLER! I expected better than this from you!

Somewhere, Jesus is quietly weeping right now.

 

 Well... I can't say that I'm surprised that the Coca Cola company is involved in this, as they've never been afraid of stooping to anything. Oh well, at least I've still got Pepsi Co.!

 

 .....DAMN IT!!! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! Is nothing sacred anymore?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN MEEEEEEE?????

Gidget Is The Girl For Me!

There was a movie on yesterday that I was overhearing from downstairs - I believe it was one of the Father of the Bride films - and I couldn't help but notice the melody of the theme song. I knew I knew it from somewhere...but not in its current form. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. I kept humming it to myself, and slowly words started coming to me. The words were different by far than those used in this other version, but soon I realized where I knew it from...

GIDGET!

Yes! That was it! Same exact tune! So I went in search of the song on Youtube. First I ran across another old favorite...the theme song from the TV series. Ohhhhh man. That took me right back. I remember being 17 years old and just OBSESSED with the show. I wanted to BE Sally Field's character! I loved every last thing she ever wore on that show, all that fab 60's fashion.

Then I ran across something in the related links that I'd never seen before - the FULL version of the song.

HOLY CRAP!!!! There's entire verses of the song I didn't even know existed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_O My mind is blown, and my inner 17 year old fangirl is squealing like crazy. I'd always wished this song was longer...had I only known about this then!! Man!

But then I was hot on the trail of the correct song in question. This, although the wrong performer, IS the correct song:

*swoons* This guy has a certain Sinatra-ish quality to his voice...so even though it's not the version of the song I was originally looking for, this is definitely now well-loved. (Another one downloaded with Video2Mp3.)

I searched and searched and searched. There's a VERY close one to the version from the film, but still isn't *quite* it. I think it's by the same group, but it still a different version. If anyone should have the version from the film, please please please let me know! This is the closest I turned up:

The New Beatlefest Catalogue Is Here!

You know, I'm usually pretty good about being able to look through catalogues and websites of different things without going crazy with greed.

...EXCEPT when it comes to Beatles stuff.

......and ESPECIALLY when it comes to the Beatlefest catalogue, overpriced though the items may be. -_- I get a severe case of the 'OMG GIMME GIMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!'s every time I even attempt to look through them. Well, sure enough, the new one came today, and it's happened once again, haha. Now, while I would love to feature and showcase every single item from it, I'll restrain myself here and keep it to the ones that, if I had the sort of money to blow, I would SO totally buy. (There's more than just these that I'd buy, of course. But these are just too awesome not to be of note.)

Yellow Submarine Ice Cube Tray - $12.50
Dude. They're freakin YELLOW SUBMARINE ICE CUBES!!!! How fucking cool is that?!?!?! I want Yellow Submarine ice cubes!!! I mean...sure...they're gonna melt, but you can always make more! And they'll be awesome! You know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE YELLOW SUBMARINE ICE CUBES AHHHHHHH!!!! (okay, breathe Jenn, breathe....)

Rubber Soul Throw Blanket - $59.00
I've wanted a Beatles throw blanket since I was about 11 years old. Thing was, back then, the cheapest ones you could find were about $120. (And those were the *cheap* ones.) The fact that they're down to $59 now is fairly impressive to me, and even moreso that it has my favorite Beatles album as the picture on it!! Unfortunately for me, I'm unemployed and broke, so I shall just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed that it will still be available somewhere at some point when I'll have enough money to buy one.

Sgt. Pepper Alarm Clock - $25.00
Okay. Nevermind the fact that I don't know how to read an analog clock. Nevermind the fact that I have a digital clock that I programmed to play "Good Morning, Good Morning" as it goes off. ....LOOK HOW FREAKIN AWESOME THIS BITCH IS. That is just a badass piece of home decor right there. I think I'm in love with it.

A Hard Day's Night Wall Clock - $26.00
Same thing applies as to the alarm clock. It's not like I could actually *read* this clock (as I'm apparently just retarded when it comes to this), but...look how amazing this clock is!!!!!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Help Black Faux Suede Cap - $29.50
Okay. I used to have one something like this. It wasn't a licensed Beatles product or anything like that, but it was the same style, and I totally bought it because it looked like John's. It met a terrible demise involving my sister being an evil bitch and some lipstick smeared into it. I haven't yet been able to find another like it. Welllll....this one is PRETTY DARN CLOSE. You have no idea how tempted I am to just splurge and buy this *right now*. I'm resisting, but god.....SO tempting.....

Set of 4 Yellow Submarine Statues - $460
O_O JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE THESE SO EXPENSIVE?!?!??!!!?!!? Also, why is Ringo wearing Old Fred's hat?

Yellow Submarine Tabletop Pinball Machine - $42.50
DUUUUUUUDE. MEMORIES!!! I SO had one of these when I was little. Except, uh...it wasn't Beatles. It was Super Mario Bros and I thought it was freakin awesome. In retrospect, it wasn't all that great, and as all these tabletop pinball machines work about the same (read as: barely work at all), it wouldn't be worth it unless if just for the sake of having as a decoration. I have to admit, it is REALLY freaking cute!

Yellow Submarine Wonder Wand - $7.50
God, if I thought the pinball machine brought back memories...!! I remember Wonder Wands! They really served no functional purpose other than to just look pretty. You tilt them back and forth and watch the glitter and stuff inside go back and forth, kind of like those floatie pens...

Yellow Submarine Baby Stroller - $280
Okay. You know what? Things like this should not exist. You know why? Because they make insane people like myself want to have babies for ALL the wrong reasons...such as, simply having an excuse to buy stuff like this. LMAO

Please Please Me shirt - $28.00
You know, I have a lot of Beatles t-shirt. And I mean a *LOT*. Enough to where I could wear a different one every single day for 2 or 3 months straight and never wear the same one twice. But you know what I don't see very often at all, and only own I think one of? Long-sleeved Beatle shirts! This is simply amazing. MORE OF THESE, PLEASE!!!

Beatles Umbrellas T-shirt - $21.00
Even with the over-abundance of Beatles shirts I own, I'm still always on the lookout for more that I don't already have. Never seen this one before and I like it!!! :D

Magical Mystery Tour T-shirt - $21.00
You know, the only reason I hesitate on this one is because the neckhole and the sleeves look EXTREMELY narrow...possibly even too tight for myself. That said, I LOVE THIS DESIGN. I love the general psychedelia, I love everything about it! <3

A Hard Day's Night Suit Replica - $425.00
Okay. Should I ever win the lottery, you can bet one of the very first things I'd buy would be this! (Well...if I won the lottery, I'd probably  buy the real thing. BUT STILL! Let me dream!)

Shea Stadium Replica Jacket - $295
I went out of my way to get a jacket that looked a lot like this once, years and years ago. But one that ACTUALLY *reallllllly* looks like the real deal.....how cool would that be?!

Rubber Soul Jacket Replica - $359.00
I think this one speaks for itself. Then again, it probably looked a million times better of John Lennon than it ever would on me. But it's still amazing!!

Help! Deluxe Ltd. Edition 2 DVD Set - $59.99
You know, despite the fact that Help! is my favorite of the Beatles movies, I've actually never been able to track this 2 disc version with the book down before. At least, not for a reasonable price. Everything on the Beatlefest site is priced way higher than it needs to be, including this. It's just a matter of finding it for a good price, and in new condition with all the extras still there...

John & Yoko on the Dick Cavett Show DVD - $19.50
I remember sitting up to watch all the episodes of the Dick Cavett Show with John and Yoko on it when I was in 6th grade. Far from a first generation fan, but still enough to make a profound impact on my upbringing, so I think it's really cool that there's a collection of all these now. :)

Sea Of Science mug - $12.50
Nothing too noteworthy to say here, I just think it looks cool. :)

Beatles Mug & Coaster Set - $16.50
I think this is interesting. I lilke the concave shape of the mug. However, I do have one teensy, tiny little pet peeve with this set....THERE IS NO RHYME OR REASON TO THEIR CHOICE OF DECOR. Okay. Let's put randomly the Beatles For Sale cover on the mug! Now let's put the Help! silhouettes right next to a yellow submarine! And throw All You Need Is Love on the coaster! I'm...confused. I understand they were trying to cover as much ground as possible in one set, but.........yeah. No. I think they should've gone with a specific theme and worked around it, but that's just me. But, as it's not my set to design...

Beatles Anthology Mug - $13.00
This has the potential to be awesome....but ONLY if it spans ALL three Anthology covers going all the way around the mug. If it's only 1 or 2 of them, meh. Forget it. But if it's all 3, then I think this is epic and a must have!!

Die-Cast London Taxi Set - $65.00
I've seen the old "newspaper taxi" Beatles die-cast car before now, but look at all these new ones!! There's so many! However, the Magical Mystery Tour one should totally be a bus. Which brings me to...

Die-Cast London Bus Set - $65.00
Now THIS is what I'm talking about! :D

The Beatles Silhouette Die-Cast Taxi - $25.00
Given all the model cars I used to collect...I think this totally needs to be in my collection somewhere. *nods*

Beatles Tortoise Sunglasses - $150.00
WAAAAAAAY overpriced, but if they were cheaper, this would be a REALLY awesome pair of shades, I must admit!

Beatles Eyeglass Case - $35.00
The actual design on this reminds me of that old Pieces Of Flair app on Facebook from years ago. It's quite possible they made the design from one of their flair walls with this! But, regardless, either way, it's pretty cool to see a Beatles glasses case. ;)

Beatles Collectible Pen Set - $450.00
O_O JEEEEEEZ....there is no reason a set of pens should *ever* cost this much. EVER. But they are pretty awesome to look at!

Help! Colectible Pen Set - $130.00
Again, a pen set should never be this expensive. But it is pretty impressive looking!

John Lennon 15" Laptop Skin - $22.00
I've never been one to invest in laptop skins, but, if I did, I would totally buy one like this! :D

John Lennon Liberty Ipod Touch Skin - $12.00
Now THIS is cool. It seems  to just fit with the natural design of an ipod touch to begin with and just looks amazing. I love it!

Sgt. Pepper Ipod Classic Skin - $12.00
I think the natural design of the click wheel works really well with the design of the Sgt Pepper drum logo. Most Beatles ipod skins I've seen just look like they're trying too hard. This is, so far, the only one for the classic design that I've ever liked!

Sculpted Yellow Submarine Mug - $14.00
What's not to love about this mug? :) It's bright yellow and happy looking. It's got the Yellow Sub characters on it! AND, it's sculpted so everything's raised! I haven't run across all that many mugs like that, so I kind of love it for being like this.

Yellow Submarine Mug - $12.50
Following along the same streak of the other mug, I love how generally happy it looks!

Imagine Mug - $12.50
I love the all white decor of this design! It's very fitting for John. :)

Beatles Anthology Travel Mug - $20.00
You know, I gotta admit, this is pretty cool! I've never seen Beatles travel mugs before. It seems silly to make them ceramic...kinda breakable...but still cool!

Rubber Soul Water Bottle - $17.50
Okay, I definitely don't have any excuse to merit such a purchase. But still! A Beatles water bottle!!

Sgt. Pepper Plastic Travel Mug - $12.00
Freakin. Sweet.

Rubber Soul Messenger Bag - $79.00
I love the Beatles, I love Rubber Soul, I love messenger bags...This, essentially, is the best bag I have ever seen in my life. ;)

Yellow Submarine Tote - $6.50
I'm still trying to  figure out what exactly the catch is, why this bag is so cheap...!

John Lennon Live in NYC Tshirt - $22.00
I have tons upon tons of Beatles shirts...but not very many John ones! Needless to say, this one is pretty cool. :) And my favorite Lennon era, too! (I have a serious thing for army jacket era John...)

Yellow Submarine Rainbow Tye-Dye Tee - $28.50
Alright, alright. I'll be the first to admit - tie-dye shirts at this point have become overdone; cliche even. But this one, the color scheme paired with the Yellow Sub motif is expertly executed. Even the rainbow at the top is reminiscent of the It's All Too Much segment towards the end of the film! And for that, this shirt is amazing.

Beatles Psychedelic Tshirt - $22.00

This one makes my list mostly because of nostalgia. My first computer had an amazing photo editing program on it I still miss. One of the effects looked EXACTLY like this, and was my favorite. Thus, its inclusion.

Band On The Run Deluxe Edition 3 CD + DVD + Book Set - $95.00

Normally, I wouldn't condone Paul's typical re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-releaseing of albums that I've already made the mistake of buying a few times over when I was younger and naive about such things. Especially since I already got that 2 disc version for the 25th anniversary about 15 years back. (Wow, that long ago now?) But...this comes with a dvd. AND A BOOK. Gahhh....if they could drop this to like, oh, I dunno, $30 or so, this would be in my collection so fast....